I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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