Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
