My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i believe in u and ur pee
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
