Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Someone shattered a urinal.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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