i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
