when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
