i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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