just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
