I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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