I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
