Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
