we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
