I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
