Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
