apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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