hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
