Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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