I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
