he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
