i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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