I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
