the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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