he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
