WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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