ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
