So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
