im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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