Your face is a jimmy john
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
