There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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