For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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