she woke up with a sticky ear
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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