She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
