made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
