I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
