I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
