I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
