The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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