If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
