Life is so much better after having sex.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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