Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
