I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
