What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
