The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
