I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
