i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
