Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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