im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
