I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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