God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
