Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
