My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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