i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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