I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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