What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
