You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
